Who's In Control?

I've come a long way from the slightly obsessive, "need-to-feel-in-control" person I used to be. Years ago, the Lord put an older woman in my life that was a walking scalpel to my character. Despite the tears she brought to my prayer closet, the Lord knew exactly where my flesh needed to die, where sensitivities needed toughening, and I had no doubt...He let her know. 

One day we were going somewhere together and while she was telling me a story, she let go of the steering wheel to talk with her hands (Italians do that). I jumped and grabbed the wheel with a panicked death grip. Totally thoughtless reflex, but the look of disapproval made me let go immediately. I don't remember the exact conversation that followed, but I do remember the words, "Shannon, don't be such a control freak. The Lord's in control. You've never been."

It was a good "ouch," no matter how it sounded. Sometimes, the most nutritional food seems like it's delivered on a garbage can lid, so I want to throw it out. But the Holy Spirit washed over her words and fed it to my spirit every day for weeks. I saw how this "desire to control" infiltrated nearly every area of my life; it seeped into the ministry, permeated my work and sometimes caused friction in my relationships with other people. I was so blind, but when I saw, I understood. And such was the beginning of the Lord's deeper work in teaching me how to trust Him, letting go of fears, releasing self-preservation habits, helping me see Him as reigning over all, and then finding the joy in releasing others to be free and encourage them in the grace of God.

But...we are a project of the Lord's sanctification until heaven.

Have you ever prayed for something with such a depth of desire in your heart, that you felt you'd nearly have a stroke or heart attack if something wasn't done immediately? That crisis prayer of urgency that God MUST intervene or catastrophe is a surety? There was a day not long ago, that out of the abundance of my heart the mouth did speak, and out of the carnality of my flesh the emotions did boil, and I started pulling out a host of scriptures like a sword and wielded it at the Lord. "Father, You said in Your word..." and then I'd speak a promise not yet fulfilled.

Then...I paused...and heard a reverberation of the tone of my voice and the pride that infused my attitude. I felt my hands immediately jerk off God's steering wheel as I realized what I was doing-trying to control...Him. My sorrow, frustration, and heartache, over seeming unanswered prayers lept over my wall of faith right into Satan's arena of doubt and I found myself trying to manipulate the Lord and "make" Him DO SOMETHING. Do something to relieve pain. Do something to change circumstances and convert them into what I desired. Do something to take vengeance, reveal truth, bring justice and stop allowing storms to rage, lies to prosper, and tears to fall. "Just make it stop!" I cried out.

Why I wasn't a pillar of salt or pile of ashes is only because of His mercy. Jonah 4 came back to me as a tender rebuke. A completely reprobate city of people received the goodness, grace, and kindness of the Lord, instead of their deserved wrath and judgment. These people had committed mountains of sin against God and His people and Jonah wanted Him to deal with them. But when the Lord didn't do what Jonah wanted, (because the people repented), and didn't respond to his indignation and passionate desire to see retribution, Jonah became angry to the point of suicidal thoughts.

Jonah 4:4 "Then the Lord said, “Is it right for you to be angry?”

Job 40:2 “Shall the one who contends with the Almighty correct Him?

He who rebukes God, let him answer it.”

As I walked beneath a shelf of fragile tea cups in my kitchen, I remembered my own frailty before a very powerful God. The chastening to my heart brought me to my face and I heard the words to my thoughts,  "Shannon, are you more righteous than I?"

I can become so myopic in my perspective of life. So self-righteous in my indignation. So frustrated when I feel helpless. So limited in my level of trust in a God that never leaves the throne, always reigns in righteousness and truth with a scepter of mercy and grace. I so easily forget His long-suffering towards me, His love that's covered the multitude of my own sin, the plain reality that He is God and I am not and His ways are always best.

So when you find His promises not yet fulfilled, and your heart is overwhelmed with a desire to see the Lord bring them to pass, pray them with a heart of trust and dependency on a God Who WILL bring them to pass...but in His timing and in His way. And remember...we're clay. Just like the tea cups.

Psalm 145:8 "The LORD is gracious and full of compassion,

Slow to anger and great in mercy."

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him,

and he will make your paths straight."

How Much Service Pleases the Lord?

I laid my book down after reading the same paragraph half a dozen times and decided to try and get to the restroom without help. My twenty-three-year old spine revolted at the movement and shot pain down both legs which refused to cooperate. Humiliation came as quick as my tears and I called my best friend to bring me a diaper. I was still in too much pain for even a bed pan.

A little while later, my infantile Christian faith poured out complaints to the Father and made a list of all the responsibilities I had, the things I needed to do, the job I needed to return to and why He needed to heal me. Then my complaints turned into pleadings and my heart began to melt as His silent Presence of peace engulfed me. I stared at the ceiling and began to count the swirls of the drywall and my eyes dried up. If I needed to understand my "why" questions, I knew He would tell me. But He engulfed me in His peace and that was more comforting to my newly saved heart than any medication I could take. 

Fast forward nine years. I leaned outside my second-story apartment window to where my clothes line openly displayed my lack of style. I was quickly learning that even though Croatia was not a rich country, it was European and there was a certain style that women wore, no matter their financial status. My jeans, sneakers and sweat shirts seemed to violate every code. As I reached out to the furthest line, I felt my lower back begin to slide out, so I stood up quickly, only to snap my already herniated neck and down I went to the wooden floor. Deja vu.

I had only been in the country a few months as a missionary and was already the most useless import that ever came. Poor people. I knew the Lord had called me to go, there was no doubt, but I took a herniated disc in my neck and a very weak lower back along with my luggage. A few days later, as I laid on my hard but stylish European couch in pain, waiting for soup from the pastor's wife of the church that I CAME TO SERVE...I began to count the swirls in the ceiling. 

"36, 37, 38...Lord, why did You send me here? I feel like I spend more time out of commission than upright. I know You told me I had to understand the power of prayer. I know You have shown me that I have wrongly believed I could accomplish more for the kingdom of heaven with my hands and body, than with my prayers and love for others. But....there has to be more I'm missing."

My mind immediately flashed back to a time when I was a kid. My parents were divorced and my mother was forced to go to work and leave my little brother and I alone quite often. I'd make her cards and leave her notes to try and cheer her up. She had such a hard, commission-only job and would stand on her feet for hours trying to sell keyboards and pianos. When my mom hurt, I hurt. So one day, I decided to clean a huge portion of the house for her and imagined it would make everything better. I wanted her to smile and be so proud and hear lots of approval and affirmation. I grabbed the plastic rake and made perfect lines throughout our lime-green shag carpeting. I gave my brother a death threat if he walked on it, dusted all the furniture with lemon-fresh Pledge, then turned on all the lights and waited for her face when she walked in.

My memory froze on that picture and the Lord's words gently came. "Shannon, though you did not know Me, I knew you, understood you, and read your heart's desire to please your mother. I also saw and understood your struggles with a father you felt you could never please. But to this day, you still are trying to please Me with your service. Did I love you more when you served at the church six days a week? Did I love you more when you were leading kids to salvation in the public schools? Did I love you more when you went from morning to evening serving others in your family and in the ministry?

Do I love you less now that you can do nothing and 

actually need care from other people's hands? 

You need to know in your heart...not your head....that your value to Me is because you are Mine. That is all. There is no change in My love or your value based on anything you will ever do. It will never be about what you do...it's solely because you are Mine. Rest in My love."

Fast forward to last night. Forty-seven years old and a pastor's wife who has stepped down out of the vast majority of ministry. Lying on the couch while my husband cleans the dishes, my daughter reads to herself and I am staring at patterns of impressions in the ceiling with a stomach on fire from pain medication I took for my back. And the Lord's words came back to me..."Do I love you less now? Is your value to me less than when you were...? Just rest in My love." 

There is nothing more powerful to shatter the guilt and condemnation that comes from weakness, than relishing in the security of God's love and acceptance by grace. 

It is Whose we are, not what we do. Rest in His love.

How the Father Loves...

"Maddie, get your book bag," my husband said in his let's-get-moving-because-we're-late voice. "Time to pray." 

I grabbed two familiar hands, squeezed them both and bowed my head. As my husband began to pray, Maddie let go of my hand, entwined her arm around mine, leaned into me hard and began to squirm. I opened one eye and there she was; partially covered in my robe and face up smiling as big as daylight underneath me. Her eyes shouted six year old love notes to my heart.

I returned her smile, winked back my own love note, then silently mouthed the words, "pray" to help her focus. With the "amen" came an immediate embrace that nearly threw my back out and restrained my arms from movement. I bent over to kiss her little cherub cheeks, but she grabbled my face and proceeded to kiss my left cheek, the tip of my nose, my right cheek, and then took off down the stairs shouting, "I love you Mommy! Good bye!" It's our morning ritual that hasn't lost it's meaning by routine.

This little treasure we were given in our old age is a daily blessing. Even when her Irish stubbornness, Italian volatility, and German resistance permeates her flesh and lands her in time out. But as I sat at the kitchen table and began to pray about a project I'm working on, the Lord replayed our morning prayer time. Then the words "Be still" whispered straight to my heart. I stopped praying and sat quiet, trying to silence my thoughts.

"I love you Lord. You are so..." I continued.

"Be still. Be quiet My daughter," came His reply.

As I tried to sit quiet and focus my thoughts before Him (have you ever tried this?), He replayed the morning with my daughter. I saw as she grabbed my hand, embraced my arm, then tucked herself into my warm robe and looked with love into my face. I felt afresh the pressure of little hands grabbing hold of my face and the pure tenderness of  pursed lips on my cheeks. But then I felt a small sensation in my heart that was immediately amplified. It was the ache and desire I had to hold HER, embrace HER, kiss HER, and convey MY love straight into those beautiful brown eyes.

The Lord didn't need to say anything else to my heart. I knew that as a Father, He loves when we grab His hand to pray. He loves our embraces, our glances into His face, our demonstration and words of love. But...how He longs to have us sit still, stop squirming, and give Him the opportunity to love us as only He can. 

His grip is eternal. Jesus said that once we are His children, "no one is able to snatch them out of My Father's hand." Jn 10:28-29.

His eyes are full of grace. "But Noah (place your name here) found grace in the eyes of the LORD." Gen. 6:8

His robe completely covers us and has the power to save our souls, save us from our enemies, and adorn us with a covering that is pure, holy, spotless and obtained by grace. "...My soul shall be joyful in my God; He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness..." Isa. 61:10

His kiss of favor and blessing and love is greater and more fulfilling than any earthly pleasure. "Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth —for your love is better than wine." SoS 1:2

His words of love touch, change, heal, revive, encourage and strengthen the depths of our soul. "How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!" Ps. 119:103

I looked out the window to the remnants of our first snowfall of the season. The fresh white blanket covered all of the dead leaves of the fall and made me thank Him for the purity of His love that just blanketed my earthiness and life that was once dead from the "fall."

We love Him today...because He first loved us forever (1 John 4:19).

When God Labels You "Fireproof"

"Everything that can endure fire, you shall put through the fire, and it shall be clean; and it shall be purified with the water of purification. But all that cannot endure fire 

you shall put through water." ~ Numbers 31:23

As I slithered my way back to bed, there was not a single position that brought relief from the pain. The lesser of all evils was found in an infant position of being curled up on my knees while trying to remove  any pressure from my abdomen. My husband knelt next to the bed and I could hear him interpreting my groans to the Lord in prayer. He had phoned the the on-call physician, the emergency room, given me the maximum dose of medication possible and nothing brought relief.

I have to admit, of all the physical traumas, trials, and hospital encounters I have been through, this night was unlike any other. Barely able to think above pain's interference, I cried out to the Lord and told Him I felt tortured. Inwardly, I echoed repeatedly, "Jesus, this is too much for me. Have mercy...have mercy." Though the last thing a pastor and his wife want to do is lay a burden on the flock, my husband sent out a text message to closest friends and family requesting prayer. We are confident of the power that God brings through prayer. Many hours later, the pain had decreased enough that my body gave way to exhaustion and sleep. 

I don't need to describe what I felt like the next morning, but I did take my heart before the Lord and ask Him to search me. I know that sometimes sickness is a way the Lord chastens His children. It doesn't make me turn away from Him, but rather run at such love that cares enough to do what is best for my flawed character. But on this particular morning, the tenderness of the Lord reassured me that this was not about sin. The Shepherd's Psalms were like a blanket of comfort to my heart.

"Adrenal fatigue" is one of the many conditions doctors have told me I'm battling, but it doesn't come close to the kind of fatigue I have found with chronic pain and sickness. It feels like my entire being is exhausted and the term "fatigue" seems way too polite. After leaving one of my doctor's appointments, (which wasn't worth a penny of the co-pay), I leaned hard against the lobby window waiting for my husband. My heart felt heavy and scattered thoughts echoed the dismal words the doctor had given me moments earlier.

I began to pray...or whine. It was hard to tell the difference. Lord, what does "normal" feel like? I don't remember what it feels like to have no pain, no weariness...just normal. I don't remember the last time I slept through the night. I'm just so tired...so tired of hurting. The Lord's words came pouring into my thoughts, but in my heart...it was almost like I turned my head, dropped my hands and didn't receive them. They fell to the ground and I walked outside with unbelief. A much worse condition than any bodily sickness I could ever have.

Self-pity is a scary place. When I went there for a long vacation in my twenties, I was miserable and made everyone else miserable around me. I had a quick temper, sharp comebacks, rude defensiveness,  and swam laps in the victimization pool almost every day. Self-pity is that deceptive belief that I'm the recipient of unfair or undeserved treatment from the Lord. I compared my life to everyone else and began to keep an unwritten checklist of all the things I felt I lacked or had to endure that no one else did. Satan loved it. He fed it. God hated it. He called it an abomination and sin. By His grace, He pulled my focus out of my navel and got my eyes back on the truth.

So after another long, sleepless night, I remembered that time and decided swimming with piranha would be safer than self-pity. I don't want to go back there again. Unable to drink coffee, my foggy thoughts prayed and I opened my Bible. Highlighted words in bright yellow began to speak like a clarifying breeze.

"Everything that can endure fire, you shall put through the fire, and it shall be clean; and it shall be purified with the water of purification. But all that cannot endure fire 

you shall put through water." ~ Numbers 31:23

A familiar whisper said to my soul, "You have had many times in the past when the floods I allowed made you fearful of drowning. You discovered My faithfulness that the waters would not overflow you (Isa. 43:2). But now you are in the furnace of affliction (Isa. 48:10). I would not allow you to go through the fire unless I knew you could endure it. Trust Me in the heat of suffering, the scorch of pain, and believe that I am just as much with you as I was with Daniel's friends (Daniel 3:26)." This...my heart sighed...is part of what is called "the fellowship of His sufferings" from Philippians 3:10. My life verse.

How do people go on without the Lord? If my heart would just STAY and STAND in belief in the simple truths of God's Words. No matter my circumstances. Sometimes, I just feel so earthy. More in touch with the grass beneath my feet than the arms beneath my life. More aware of my emotions and sadness than the presence of God in my heart. Earthy.

So I picked back up the promises I had dropped lifeless in the doctor's office and embraced them in faith. My body may still be weary, but my soul certainly was strengthened. I will leave some of these promises for anyone else who is weary. There are many more you could add as well. The Lord has left us enough promises to fill our hearts with eternity. And now I am praying for the unknown faces that may read this...that you may hear the Lord say to your heart, "I am with you in this. In all of your affliction, I Am afflicted as well (Isa. 63:9). Trust Me to deliver you through it."

"But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold." 

Job 23:10

"That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, 

though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour 

and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ" 1 Peter 1:7

"But the LORD hath taken you, and brought you forth out of the iron furnace, even out of Egypt, to be unto him a people of inheritance, as ye are this day." Deut. 4:20

"My grace is sufficient for you; for My strength is perfected in your weakness."  2 Cor. 12:9

The Right Camera App for Life

As I leaned hard over the iron railing from our third floor balcony, I tapped my phone at least two dozen times trying to get the right exposure and focus for the sunrise. I was thankful no one was outside to see the strange contortions I was going through just to get the right angle. After I snapped a few pictures, I spent the next thirty minutes looking at them through four different camera and picture apps on my iPhone. I tried the "vivid" filter, the violet enhancements, the high-def resolutions, and nothing seemed exactly perfect or able to catch the glory I just watched in front of me. I finally put together the little collage on my left, uploaded it to Instagram and opened my Bible.

I'm going through 1 Samuel right now and love reading about David's life. In chapter 26, there's a scene where jealous King Saul is pursuing David with 3,000 men to kill him. One night, as he and the Israelites were under a God-induced sleep, David and Abishai snuck down into the camp, through the people and stood right next to Saul and his military commander. Abishai said to David "God has delivered the enemy into your hand this day." His perspective of the circumstances, his knowledge of David's character, and the miracle of the moment, meant one conclusion to him...God had delivered Saul into David's hand to kill him. But David had a different perspective of these same circumstances. He said, "Do not destroy him; for who can stretch out his hand against the Lord's anointed and be guiltless?" So rather than kill Saul, he did something ingenious to prove to everyone that night the innocence of his heart.

We all walk through life taking snapshots of our days, capturing video moments that are significant to us. We may be driving in a car, having lunch with a friend, or laying our head on a pillow at night, when we pull out these snapshots and videos and rehearse them in our minds. But each of us have filters that we apply to what we see, hear, or experience. Just as David and Abishai did. Same circumstance, but  very different conclusions. As a Christian, some look at things through "black and white" filters. Right or wrong, cut and dry. It is true that there are only two options in Christ, but to leave out the beauty of His grace, the hues of His providence, the spectrum of His wisdom, will leave us looking at people with very critical and sharp perspectives.

There are those who look through sepia tones, often reflecting on the past and comparing current circumstances to what things "used to be like, back in the day." This leaves out the glory of God's current work in the present, that has rainbow colors of promise that is needful for hope and trust. Some see through rose-colored lenses, and though optimism is a delight and needful, the reality of seeing the shadows and dark contrasts are so needful in the aspect of prayer. I have a filter on one camera app called "emo" and it not only darkens the entire picture, but  is rather myopic and narrowly focused. I've found that in places where I have been deeply hurt, I apply this film to painful experiences and don't see things in the light they are meant to be seen. Or...when I'm depressed or sad...everything in my day seems "emo" to say the least.

I looked out at the ocean as the sun had risen to a height where the rays were still being reflected like fireworks dancing on the water's surface. Soft orange and pastel pink lines were drawn across the sky and pelicans were flying low looking for breakfast. Rather than taking more pictures, I just took it all in as the Lord displayed it in front of me. And though my husband came out and tried to capture the moment himself, a worship song and gratitude began to fill my heart. Then I remembered that in heaven, when all of the chaos and confusion of life will be over and we will see things as they truly are, then worship will follow with the words "Great and marvelous are Your works, Lord God Almighty; just and true are Your ways" Rev.15:3. We will see through clear lenses and untainted filters all of God's glorious workings in our lives today. The dark tones will no longer be enhanced by fear, but will merely illustrate the power of His workings in light. The blurry vision of "not understanding" will be gone and replaced with joyful clarity of focus in the face of Jesus.


I've been asking the Lord since then to help me see through clear filters of truth. The Holy Spirit can do this for all of us. Just as the enemy would like to change how we see life, one another, and our God, how much more does the Lord want us to walk through our days seeing through the lens of truth, with clarity of vision and right perspectives. May it be so for you today.